ARGUE, FUSS AND FIGHT!
(KIKI, DO YOU LOVE ME?)
II Samuel 6:20-23; I Corinthians 13:1-8
As we continue our (semi) series on relationships ̶ “Kiki, Do You Love Me?” ̶ today we will focus on a basic psychological reality which directly contributes to, if not causes, conflicts between men and women. Sometimes, these conflicts are irreconcilable and, subsequently, unresolved. Interestingly, couples often address this basic psychological reality by cloaking the issue in God-talk or spiritual language. This act of verbal camouflage simply further complicates an already complicated dilemma.
Today, we will zero in on what some psychologists call anima and animus. Anima is designated as the “feminine qualities” in a man. Animus is designated as the “masculine qualities” in a woman. The animus belongs INSIDE of the woman, not outside of her. Similarly, the anima belongs INSIDE of the man, not outside of him. When those inner qualities come out and become dominant, problems ensue.
Here is the challenge: the animus and anima do not like each other! So, when they confront each other, there are no winners at all. You may win the argument but, invariably, the costs will exceed the benefits.
Today’s message will help all male and female relationships: wives and husbands; boyfriends and girlfriends; mothers and sons; fathers and daughters; opposite sex colleagues, etc. God will be glorified because today you will at least begin to understand how to communicate more effectively and peacefully.
Men tend to communicate through their egos, particularly when they are agitated. Women tend to communicate through their emotions, particularly when they are agitated.
THE ANIMUS AND ANIMA
- The negative manifestation of the animus:
- is blunt;
- has inflexible opinions;
- has caustic and moralistic judgement;
- is brutal; and
- has a certain amount of unpleasant aggressiveness.
- The negative manifestation of the anima:
- is moody;
- is sulky;
- is petty; and
- has the capacity to be poisonous.
- The animus and anima should be managed and kept inside of the person.
The animus in a woman and the anima in a man bring out the worst in each other.
THE ANIMUS AND ANIMA IN ATTITUDE
- When males, particularly men, fall into a dark mood, they lose their objectivity; small hurts become emotionally charged; and they can become unapproachable.
- When females, particularly women, fall into a dark mood, they exaggerate all difficulties; falsify situations; and intensify hurts.
- In the worst scenario, the persons involved do not communicate with each other at all. The animus and anima just fuss and fight with each other THROUGH the persons involved in the relationship.
THE ANIMUS AND ANIMA IN ACTION
- The animus is full of opinions about how things should be. The animus is ready to advance those opinions regardless of the other person’s feelings. II Samuel 6:20
- Disapproving of David’s “free dancing style,” Michal starts her conversation with her animus instead of her feelings. Conversations led by the animus or anima ignite angst.
- Had David been in a cooler frame of mind, he may have responded appropriately. Instead, David’s anima responded to Michal’s animus: he spoke disparagingly about Michal’s father and his entire household. Also, David reminded her that God chose him over her father’s household. II Samuel 6:21
- The anima seeks revenge when she is attacked.
- David retaliates even more by telling his wife he will undignify himself even more (since she does not want him to do it at all). II Samuel 6:22
- The anima can be vindictive. Michal died with no children. II Samuel 6:23
Sources: Between People: Communicating One-to-One by John A. Sanford
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